The Collected Observations of a Madwoman of Science

I have not been at work of late because THE HIDEOUS THINGS ARE ENCROACHING.

But perhaps I get ahead of myself.

The plague, you see. It makes one fuzzy-headed. There are dizzy spells. Headaches. I will endure because I must! I MUST. I shall not give in. Voldemort has sent them. NO. A GREATER EVIL. AUGUSTUS HAS SENT THEM. AUGUSTUS HAS SENT THE VIRUSES.

Viri?

Viruses.

They lash their flagella, creeping ever nearer. Like Dementors, but not so bad. Tea keeps them away. I will endure. It is not a bad headache. The room is hardly spinning. I certainly do not need to go to St. Mungo's. Certainly not. Certainly certainly. Not. Oh no.

But I fear I will run out of tea soon. Or coffee. No, no, the coffee is all gone. Tea, then.

Yes. Tea.

An owl has come from the Ministry. I REFUSE TO OPEN IT. It is wrong. Wrong, all wrong. If I open it they will sent me to St. Mungo's, and then to Azkaban! I am CLEVERER THAN THAT. I will endure. Not a bad headache. And tea.

WHY DID I NOT MANAGE TO KILL HER IN THE FIRST PLACE?

( Private to [s]fangirls[/s] Genoa and Gunnar )

Would anybody happen to have a coffee-go-fer to spare? The Department of Magical Law Enforcement is remarkably hostile as of late.

I arrive at work today to find my (incomplete and rather dangerous) Avatars still at the Veil, my door unrepaired, and my coffee boy taken from under my nose! (Metaphorically.) Had I not triumphed rather conclusively at bowling yesterday I would have KILLED YOU ALL IN A FIT OF BLIND RAGE done something a bit more drastic; however, as I have had a bit of time to cool down I shall simply register my complaints and see that they are remedied promptly. I have nothing but the utmost assurance that they will be.

( Private )

YOU DISGUSTING, SLIMY, PARASITIC CESTODES, HOW DARE YOU CONFINE ME? THIS IS DOUBTLESS ILLEGAL.

AUGUSTUS AND RHADAMANTHYS HAVE LOCKED ME IN MY OFFICE AND IF I AM NOT ALLOWED OUT PROMPTLY THE ENTIRE DEPARTMENT WILL PAY.

Two of our researchers died in the riot. One of them was going out for ice cream.

While I prefer to be apolitical as politics in general have not been kind to myself or my family, and do not care much for ice cream, I believe in a person's basic right to obtain ice cream whenever he so desires, in whatever flavor he prefers, and even, weather permitting, to eat it in public and in front of the entire world. Sergei Ivanov was not particularly unpleasant, and while I am not an expert in the field, I have read some of his papers (in translation, of course) and they seem to me to be quite well-conducted and explained. In addition to this, he enjoyed ice cream. May he rest in peace.

Andrei Lilov, on the other hand, will not be missed by anyone. Wretched boy.

( Private )

Mr. Bode, you have been warned several times not to use Arithmancy in undoing wards and blocks and shield spells. While in an actual battle situation I have no doubt that it would prove a very useful skill, it is simply not fair to test potential Unspeakable trainees on knowledge that is only taught within the Department of Mysteries. As such, you have been removed from the Attack Testing Squad and will be required to do two hours of paperwork duty a week instead in order to fulfill your Ignorance & Knowledge requirement. And you will not complain, or I will be forced to take more than the hazard pay from your wages.

Mr. Fitch, please refrain from insulting a woman who has been dead for thirty years. It is most unsporting and cruel. If you do not desist I will have to send someone to your office to perform an orchidectomy. If you do not know what that is, I suggest you look it up before continuing further.

[Blocked: All Rookwoods and Rookwood fans]
Gunnar, do not do anything stupid.

Fishboy is being allowed to have passed his first test. I am going to need some ridiculous modifications to the rubbish lorries to keep him out. Ideas are welcome. And necessary. I will not have that idiot boy in this Department.

(I mean it, Gunnar. Nothing even vaguely questionable. Stay away from the coffee. Do not look at it.)

Chen, the formula is in the post. Unfortunately, it seems not to have worked quite as expected, according to the Daily Prophet.

(MLE's coffee is far better than ours. Contaminate theirs, if you must.)
[/blocked]

Clearly the world needs more bear traps.

GUNNAR! DID YOU PUT LOVE INTO THE COFFEE? I TOLD YOU NOT TO PUT DANGEROUS SUBSTANCES INTO DRINKS. THEREFORE, DO NOT PUT DANGEROUS SUBSTANCES INTO DRINKS! It is not a difficult concept!

I do not care if it was Valentine's Day, there will be no Love in the coffee! Ever! At all!

( Private )

THE COFFEE IN THE BREAK ROOM IS ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL!

AND NONE OF THE AURORS CAN COME AND STEAL IT FROM US. HA HA. THE DEPARTMENT WINS AT COFFEE!

AND I CAN BEAT YOU DOWN THE STAIRS! (because the lift is broken!)

Mr. Bode, unless I am very much mistaken, you appear to have left a very poorly-written and improbable novel entitled My Girlfriend Was a Martian Sex Goddess in my office. Are you going to come and pick it up or shall I trust Miss Frizzle to return it safely to you?

Anyone in possession of, or with information leading to the capture of, the Department's coffeepot will be paid 10 Galleons.

Additionally, something appears to have befallen my waiter at the Leaky Cauldron several weeks ago. I hope that it is not permanent.

The Men in Black have sent yet another of their lackeys representatives - a most unpleasant Weaver, who, I am informed, has a doctorate. While I fully support becoming as educated as possible, I do not feel that being misplacedly elitist about it to one's obvious intellectual superiors is in the spirit of scientific or intellectual inquiry. Additionally, I have had more than enough education to CRUSH HER DOCTORATE LIKE A BUG more than make up for my lack of title.

Astonishingly, she seems to find the food in the cafeteria somewhat edible. I cannot imagine how this is possible, and I can only hope that she will eventually die of it. Rhadamanthys, feel free to help her along.

I do not think it coffee wise to coffee restrict access to an important project when coffee the only person who is being restricted is coffee the originator of the project. It is coffee ridiculuous that I am not permitted coffeecoffeecoffee information on the further research that is being conducted on Avatar. COFFEE.

WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE SUPPLY US WITH EMERGENCY COFFEE? I thought the Red Cross handled situations like this. Apparently I was mistaken. ohgodineedcoffee

Work has been fairly consistent as of late - not, as many might think, necessarily a bad thing. The only continuing problem, in fact, that I have met with over the past month or so is that the Bode boy continues to break things. I suspect he would do best under supervision that he has never used the Killing Curse on. Or perhaps he is simply stupid. The world may never know.

There is, however, another matter which others in the Department may wish to be informed about: a rather unskilled but prying Legillimens is present somewhere. I have my own theories as to who said person could be, but I rather suspect my hypotheses will be met only with amusement from my peers. I have therefore chosen to allow you to draw your own conclusions. However, as the Legillimantic attack seems to have been focused on the impairment of Gunnar Hitzig's abilities within the Department, I feel safe in assuming that he is not the culprit. I am not the culprit either, should anyone choose to believe me.

Also, would any Department personnel present when Rhadamanthys goes to lunch please remember to keep him away from trainees of any sort? He has been offering them cyanide, and I fear that such hospitality could be taken the wrong way - namely, to wash down one's so-called meal.

ANYONE WHO IS PLANNING ON ANNOYING ME WILL PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT I AM NOT IN THE BEST OF MOODS.

Consequences will, therefore, be dealt out accordingly. You have been warned.

[Private: Augustus]
He has attempted to gain access to my thoughts and I have every reason to believe that she is a menace to the stability of the Department. I rather doubt you will do anything about this, but the least you could do is to keep your wretched son out of everyone's hair. Not that you will do that either.
[/private]

( Private )

MR. BODE, IF YOU DO NOT GO DECONTAMINATE STRAIGHT AWAY I SHALL HAVE TO CALL IN AURORS.

I WANT TO GO HOME.

IT SOUNDS ALL WRONG HERE.

there is no whirring and that boy is destroying the Department

and and and.

I am going MAD.

I do not want oddly-colored alcoholic drinks. I do not care how small they are, I do not want them.

And there is sand all over the place. What use is sand to anyone? Ridiculous. Unhygienic. And annoying.

And my skin hurts, and it is turning red and coming off. As though I were foolish enough to get in the way of too much radiation. Which I suppose I was, but I have been trying to stay indoors.

( Private )

Herr Hitzig, please desist in saying ridiculous things about me. Thank you.

( Private: Ms Bones )

...

I never thought I would see the day when the Department really did earn the moniker of Unspeakable. As in horror.

AUGUSTUS, THE GERMAN MAN GOES NOW.

[Private]Before he tells anyone that I laughed.[/private]